i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
