He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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