Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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