If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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