you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I puked a lego.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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