Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
