and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
