Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
