Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
