It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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