If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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