I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
