I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
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The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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