My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
