She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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