He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
