He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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