He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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