Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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