I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
