Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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