I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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