He uses pillows to masturbate.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
