He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
