:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
