hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
