Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
