Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
