3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
