I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
