guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
