I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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