you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
