dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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