I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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