I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
