Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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