Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
