Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
someone owes me an orgasm
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
