can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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