So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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