when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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