Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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