i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
