The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
