you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
