We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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