His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
