I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
