Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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