Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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