I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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