I'm really into asian looking animals
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
