Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
